To celebrate my Chinese heritage:
Happy Chinese New Year the year of OX!
At work
I think that heading summarised my entire week. Just.. at work.
I’ve been burying my head deep in virtual post-it notes of insights and quotes from the many conversations with people with various mental conditions for my research project with NHS England. There’s never enough time to do proper analysis work. Often I have to rely on what I can recall in my head to meet deadlines only later to lament on all the other ‘interesting findings’ that get lost. There will always be findings that get lost in research (unless you have infinite time). But hearing lived stories from this cohort of people and what they struggle through, I can’t help but feel a sense of responsibility to do them justice. Especially thinking about the potential it has to ignite a program of works down the road that can help improve services and provide better support for people who need it most across England. A few late-nighters ain’t a big deal comparing to what frontline staff goes through on a daily basis. I shouldn’t think like that and this isn’t sustainable I know, but as a result, I can say I’m fairly satisfied with the output of the analysis which I’ll take as a big win. Also I’m super looking forward to the weekend and not thinking about work.
Life not working
I recall at some time during the pandemic last year I stopped looking forward to the weekends because it just didn’t feel the same. The staying at home, lack of social interactions and plans for activities.. it’s a weird time we’re living in. But these days, perhaps due to the fullness I’ve been feeling with work, I’ve started to again look forward to the weekend. Just the thought of switching off is enough to make my day.
I used to be a productivity nerd, always want to make ‘use’ of the day. Read more, write more, make things in the name of ‘self-improvement’. I don’t question it. If COVID19 taught me anything, it is to question myself, my goals, and values. This ‘noise cancellation bubble’ that the pandemic brought upon me forced me to reflect on my life, and reprioritise the important things in life. It gave me space and opportunity to focus on them. Now the meaning of making ‘use’ of one’s day changed for me. No longer it’s about productivity but rather mindfulness. I want to live immersed in each moment as they come and go. So far I’ve found that it sounds a lot more simple than it is to practice! There’s too much crap and judging voices in my head to simply let go. But when I do somehow manage to be in the moment, be it when doing chores around the house, or when feeling anxious ahead of a presentation, … I would feel peace and calm. And boy do I need a large dose of those every day. To give me a gentle nudge to be more present, I got this ring to act as a reminder. ‘Carpe diem’ is a Latin phrase mentioned by the Roman poet Horace which often translates to ‘Seize the day’. And it means to me to seize the moment. This moment. Right now.
In a future moment, some hours later. I shall attempt to make a classic Chinese steamed fish dish for dinner to celebrate Chinese New year. I found this recipe online https://thewoksoflife.com/cantonese-steamed-fish/ and believe it’s within my limited cooking abilities. I miss my grandma’s cooking. Wish I can be in Vancouver and celebrate over a festive meal with my family..
