#Weeknotes 3 (5 Feb) — On empathy, tough life situations, and unpleasant emotions
Continuing thoughts around people in vulnerable situations from last week. This week I’ve started exploring the idea of empathy.
I had numerous conversations with people with Severe Mental Illness and their carers this week. Many of their stories were heart-wrenching. I got quite emotional at times which made it more challenging to facilitate the discussions.
Self-reflecting
I always thought I have a good amount of empathy. I feel that I can fair well in putting myself in other people’s shoes. When I see cars speeding past, I would imagine the driver rushing somewhere to reunite with their loved ones or taking them to the hospital because something happened. Upon reflection, I realise there’s a limit on this empathy that I have. And that it’s only to an extent where to some degree, I can see myself in those situations. Like rushing and feeling inpatient during rush hour commute.. or snapping at others when feeling overwhelmed or under stress. However, when it comes to any behaviour or actions beyond what I can justify myself doing at some point in life, it breaks down. Like recently on TV I saw a woman in sandals at a supermarket being very angry, yelling at the store attendants, and intentionally knocking over all the alcohol off the shelves that someone painstakingly arranged. I can never imagine myself doing that ever. I can not relate. I could not empathise with her. I’d find myself judging their actions and in turn judging them as human beings. But what right do I have? It’s easy to say oh there are many ‘crazy people’ in the world. And what do I know what they’re currently going through? What’s going on inside them physically. emotionally and mentally? Labelling people as ‘crazy’ /’others’ can only segregate us further.
Redefining empathy —Relinquish the need to relate
Which brings me back to what is empathy really? Is it imagining myself in the other person’s shoes? Is that even possible? It’d require a significant amount of effort and time to understand the size, shape, material, and comfort quality of that shoe and even then you can’t truly know without sharing the same amount of time in it and walking on the same terrains. Can sandals have empathy for rain boots?
Empathy beyond relatability
Maybe empathy is not imagine yourself to be in that persons shoes but rather having the awareness that the other persons shoes are always going to be different. We need to lose the need to rationalise or explain others behaviour in a way you can understand and be more accepting of others who behave differently whom I see the world a bit differently and to engage in open dialogue about what’s real honest and close to our hearts without judgement but with an open mind. The next time I see someone acting out in a manner I cannot comprehend I shall try to catch myself and keep an open mind.
We can’t properly support those whom we don’t understand. We need the right tools and learn the language to build understanding so the right care can be delivered.
Amongst the 15 interviews I had in the last week with people with severe mental illness and their carers, I had a conversation with a mom who cared for her son. For a long time, she saw the erratic behaviour in her child as a result of her neglect and thought that his rebellious fits were merely a phase. It wasn’t until in his early 20s that he finally received a correct diagnosis for his mental health which was Bipolar. The symptoms and episodes triggered by his mental condition were too difficult for her to cope. She’d talk about her son who would go from being brilliant and motivated to suddenly becoming closed off like a zombie, uncommunicative, and without any desire for self-care. He’d shut himself in and would be lying in bed for days. And such a big change in these extreme moods can trigger without warning and could last months at a time. The mom eventually had a breakdown. Being with her son through these shifts and at times witnessing him behaving violently towards her, led to her eventually having a breakdown. It wasn’t until she got referred to a training course by her GP for parents to better care and support their children with Bipolar did she finally understand and recognise the symptoms better provide better care for son. Rather than submitting to the default anger and frustration when her son lashes out or have an episode, she learned to communicate with him to calm him down. That changed her life and her relationship with her son. And all it took was an hour and a half lessons every day over a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, I learned that too many people with mental conditions and their carers were not provided with any tools or guidance to help manage and understand their symptoms wich makes coping and living with these conditions even more challenging.
Invisible lives
Being knowledgeable about one’s health conditions certainly helps but it doesn’t make living with the conditions that much easier. Often these conditions are lifelong without at ‘cure’. How pleasant can it be to consume a ‘cocktail’ of more than 10 medications a day and living with the many hard-to-predict and unavoidable side effects? Even when one feels they can finally get a good grasp of living a ‘normal’ life, there are still many external barriers to overcome. Many people with mental conditions do not disclose their diagnosis to others either in fear of being stigmatised and not being treated as normal human beings. Some don’t even tell their close friends or family in fear of being judged or being a burden to others.
I think about how many of the people I’ve met in life have these invisible situations they’re dealing with. And then I think about the encounters with people who behaved erratically to me and I’d write them off as people I should avoid or stay away from. I feel ashamed. In the future, I shall try to keep an open mind and acknowledge all the possibilities before making any conclusions.
Releasing the victim mindset
Interestingly, while the official project aim was “to understand the delivery of physical health checks for people with Severe Mental Illness”, I’ve noticed that not one person we spoke to referred to their condition as “an illness” or have used the word “vulnerable”. Despite the industry often labelling such groups as “vulnerable people”, it seems that it’s not how people see themselves. I suspect not many people want to be labelled as ‘victims’. As such, I’ve been using the phrase “people in vulnerable situations” more as it felt like it can apply to anyone, just as mental health is relevant to everyone. Everyone goes through life events which impact mental wellbeing. Life situations like moving to a different country, being in a poor relationship, going through loss, dealing with grief etc are all too common across humanity. Anyone can be in vulnerable situations at any given time regardless of how ‘healthy’ they are.
Looking at the world differently
So interesting how the world works. Once you have been made aware of something, you realise it’s everywhere. For me, that’s been stumbling across posts on the Nextdoor app about people with physically invisible situations being mistreated and stigmatised. We tend to be quick to judge what can only be seen yet so many (more important) things are often invisible: other people’s life situations, what they’re going through at this moment, their state of mind, the level of access to support.
Reading through this post and the comments that follow made me feel ashamed and sad that prejudice and stigma are still so prevalent around us. We need to surface these problematic experiences and engage in open conversations to raise more awareness and understanding.
Mental health is everybody’s problem
Coincidentally, in this Thursday morning episode of Niali’s podcast, he recommended a Ted talk on Mastering emotions where a doctor used the magic of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) to deal with emotions. I was just introduced to CBT earlier this week through my interviews.
Everyone can benefit from listening to this short talk to recognise and deal with unpleasant feelings. We all have unpleasant feelings from time to time. Dr Joan talks about the misconception of our happiness being the result of the big choices that we make. But it’s the many little choices in life, the moment to moment choices, and the awareness of them that matter most.
She introduces a memorable formula to handle unpleasant feelings so we can pursue anything we want in life:
The Rosenburg reset: 1 choice 8 feelings 90 seconds.
The first step: Make the choice to stay fully present. Awareness not avoidance.
The second step: Deal with the 8 unpleasant feelings:
- Sadness
- Shame
- Helplessness
- Anger
- Vulnerability
- Embarrassment
- Disappointment
- Frustration
We need to understand that these feelings are neither bad nor negative. They are simply unpleasant and uncomfortable. We need to experience and move through these unpleasant feelings because they’re directly tied to our experience of feeling capable in the world. We won’t feel all eight at once but maybe one or a few at a time. Like anger and helplessness.
Paraphrasing Dr Joan:
What we feel emotionally is felt in the body first, as a bodily or physical sensation. We can view this biochemical rush as a wave. When that wave is fired off in the body, it lasts roughly 60–90 seconds which means feelings are temporary. That’s how long from the time it (the unpleasant emotion) gets fired off the brain and it goes through our bloodstream. We can handle that amount of time which is less than half a song!
Our feelings are like waves we see on the beach. They come up and linger and they always subside. It’s never one wave. We just need to surf and ride out the wave and let them ride out their course.
Seems easy enough. I’m shall give it a go next time.
Finding support
It always surprises me whenever I visit the NHS site, how much useful info is on there. As part of my work I came across a great section for Mental health and wellbeing: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/ They have quizzes (I love quizzes I don’t know why) to assess depression and anxiety levels. They also have loads of reliable resources for self-care and accessing additional support. Do forward that along to others. I’ve learned this week that often people are unaware of the vast amount of resources for the support that is available out there and often it’s the people who are in most need of help who are least visible. We never know who might just really need that kind of support now.
Let’s end this week with a lovely poem that was read to me this morning by Niali:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi,
