“I don’t want to argue right now.”
That’s the sentence that always seem to come out of my partner’s mouth whenever we have a difference in opinion. Whenever I hear that, I get taken aback. I didn’t think we were arguing. In my mind, we were just sharing thoughts and having a discussion. We were simply talking!
Over time, I’d feel anxious whenever I had a different opinion when we were having a conversation. I’d hesitate to share my point of view that isn’t aligned with his. It made me weary and it’s exhausting.
Now, my partner is an open-minded person. It’s one of the great qualities I love about him. Which is why I couldn't reconcile this clash of him seemingly not able to deal with a difference in opinion and being open-minded at the same time.
To give a bit of background, I was born in Shanghai, China, then immigrated to Vancouver, Canada, with my parents at the age of 10. My first language is Mandarin Chinese (actually it was Shanghainess but that’s not relevant here) and then English became the main language I used and prefer to use growing up in Canada. My partner Sven was born in Berlin, Germany and he came to UK for university and ended up staying for his PhD and build up his career. English has been his preferred language as well.
One would think that by communicating in the same language, we’d understand words in the same way. But all this time we were thinking different things when saying and hearing the same words.
When I finally told Sven that I feel anxious sharing opinions that differ from his, he was surprised. It didn’t take long after that to realise the issue:
“What does the word ‘argument’ mean for you?”
To Sven, the English word ‘argument’ meant more like a discussion, or a debate. I didn’t know this but many Germans enjoy lengthy (mostly healthy) discussions around topics with various views and perspectives. It’s almost like a sport for them. So the word ‘argument’ is a neutral word for him, neither positive nor negative. For me, how I learned the word is that unless it’s in the context of an actual debate where arguments are expected, argument is a negative word. When people say, ‘my siblings are always arguing’ or ‘there were people arguing over who’s at fault’, it’s always meant in a negative light. Actions that are frowned upon and to be avoided.
Once I made this realisation, other things clicked too. I’ve been learning German on the Language learning app Duolingo for many years now. It’s been …a slow process. German is not an easy language to figure out! It was made apparent to me recently that the German word “oder” which translate to “or” can also mean “right?” if used at the end of the sentence. For example:
“Möchten Sie einen Apfel oder eine Birne” translates to “Would you like an apple or a pear?”
But “Wir sollten rausgehen, oder?” translates to “We should go out right?”
Now I recall Sven would often ask me things with an ‘or’ at the end as influenced by the German language. Questions such as “We’re going to the park or?”, “We have some leftover food for dinner or?” have left me to interpret the “or” at the end as an indication that he wants other options when in reality, he simply wanted confirmation! He did a direct translation of the German word ‘oder’ to the English ‘or’ when he actually meant ‘right’!
So many misunderstandings! It made me wonder how many other instances where words that seem straightforward caused friction in us understanding one another. I’m hoping that as my German improves, we can close that gap in communication more and more. 🤞
These interesting situations around words and language are what attracts me to content design for services and websites. I can’t count how often I struggled to complete forms and applications because I couldn't understand what is being asked of me, or trying to craft a good email to clients that is clear, professional, yet friendly. It seems no matter what we do, there will always be a margin of error for misunderstandings, since how people interpret words can differ greatly and is beyond our control. Even still, striving for clarity and understanding is a worthwhile endeavour.
Perhaps in addition to trying to make the usage of language and words clearer, we can also give people more benefit of doubt when misunderstandings arise. For me, it means to trust the person I’ve known for years and is the father of my son rather than get hung on to the words and actions which I’ve interpretted with my world lens. If everyone did a bit of that, perhaps there’ll be less ‘arguments’ in the world.
